VAYISHLACH 5772

TWO DEBORAHS AND A MARY

Deborah, Rebecca’s nurse, died and was buried under the oak below Bethel….. [Genesis 35:8]

Deborah’s death is recorded following Jacob’s settling in Beth El. The Midrash was obviously curious about this cryptic reference to this woman who is simply referred to as Rebecca’s nurse. The Torah alludes to her in the verse, “So they sent off their sister Rebecca and her nurse along with Abraham’s servant and his men.” [Genesis 44: 59]. Yet she remains nameless until the time of her death. This throwaway verse that at first glance seemingly lacks relevance and importance, does impart an important lesson.

From the moment of Rebecca’s birth, Deborah was her nurse and part of her life until the day she died. From the time Rebecca left her parent’s home, we can assume that Deborah was the surrogate mother who was always available for comfort and counsel. While not known outside of the family she was an important member of the household.

The Help portrays the role of the black maids in the South, who played significant roles in the lives of the families they served. Despite the structure of Southern society during segregation many of the “help” served as   surrogate mothers with powerful influence upon the children they helped raise.

This cryptic reference to Deborah, the nursemaid, may be the Torah's way of honoring women who while but household help, nonetheless impacted on children during their formative early years. The honor given to Deborah affirms not only her personhood, but that of all who fulfilled – and continue to fulfill -  similar roles.

I thought of this verse one sunny day last summer that Rae and I had set aside to visit the graves of our parents, her sister, Mickey and our grandparents. They are buried in various Jewish cemeteries in the New York area and each stop was an important “memory” trip. This past year we decided to visit Mary’s grave in a large sprawling Catholic cemetery on Long Island.

Mary was a fixture in Rae’s family for decades. She arrived from Poland in the beginning of the last century and worked for Rae's grandparents, the Goldbergs, on their farm. Following its sale she remained with the family caring for her grandparents and then for Rae’s mother who suffered from Parkinson’s disease. Mary was very much involved in the raising of Rae and her two sisters. Although illiterate, she learned a few prayers and taught the girls the Modeh Ani, the prayer recited upon awakening that thanks a compassionate God for enabling us to begin another day. The girls always knew and loved their mother, but Mary was very much a presence in their lives.

Mary adopted the family’s name and was legally Mary Goldberg. She was a "lapsed" Catholic, but when diagnosed with leukemia, she began to return to her childhood’s faith. Prior to her death she requested the money she had saved be used for a High Mass and her burial in a Catholic cemetery with a gravestone simply indentifying her as Mary Goldberg.

Rae and I purchased flowers that she placed at the side of Mary’s grave. We stood there and reminisced about this woman who died without any descendants but nonetheless who had a special and important relationship with these three sisters.

The Deborah extolled in the Bible is the prophetess who described herself as a "mother in Israel" (Judges 5:7). She was a formidable figure and important role model who presaged the community roles and public leadership women have realized in our day. This Deborah is obviously an important role model for all of our daughters.

Yet there are the other Deborah’s and Mary’s who impact on our lives,  whether as nursemaids, governesses, or the household Help. We can well include in this list the caregivers who are at a family’s side to care for aged or terminally ill parents or spouses. At appropriate moments it's appropriate to remembers and to express gratitude to the Deborahs and the Marys who have been a blessing to us and to our families.

From the holy city of Jerusalem, Rae joins me in wishing all a Shabbat shalom u’mevorach , a Shabbat of peace and of blessing.

Rabbi Arnold M. Goodman
Senior Rabbinic Scholar
Ahavath Achim Synagogue
Atlanta, Georgia 30327
December 8, 2011
12 Kislev 5772