January 22, 2011 | 17 Shevat 5771 | Exodus 18:1-20:23

With three children now ages 25, 22 and 20 I consider my active parenting days largely behind me (though I will admit the puppy we recently adopted makes me feel like we again have an infant at home…).  Ariel is working in Chicago, Josh is working in Greensboro as part of his engineering studies and Aliza continues her studies locally while she lives on campus.  For the most part, although we contact each of our children when we feel it is necessary or the right thing to do, it is largely our children who contact us when they wish to do so. 

Every now and then, I get a call from one of the kids, “Dad, I don’t know what to do (add the whining sound of the voice at this point for full effect)…I could do _________ or I could do ________.  What should I do?”  Sometimes, in response, to this inquiry, I give my child clear direction.  “Well, if I were you,” I say, “I would do x.”  But most of the time I respond differently.  Even if I have a definite view about what I would do in that circumstance, I may lay out some ways to think about the choices and then say, “You know, I can’t tell you what to do.  You’ll just have to decide this one yourself.”  I do this because I want my children to realize that they have the tools and the capacity to reach important decisions.  I also want them to take full responsibility for these decisions.

Deborah Miller, a rabbinical student writing a column in this week’s edition of DOVRAY Torah, helps me to think about the significance of this aspect of my parenting and to add meaning to it by linking it to this week’s parasha and to God.

Before we reach the climactic moments of Parshat Yitro at Mt. Sinai, Yitro, Moses’ father-in-law, and Moses’ family are reunited with Moses.  Immediately, Yitro is struck by how the entire Israelite community is solely dependent upon Moses in all matters.  He counsels Moses to appoint capable individuals “who fear God” to help him, and Moses does so.  Nonetheless, as Ms. Miller points out, this step only helped the community members receive whatever they required in the realm of justice quicker than when Moses had sole responsibility.  They weren’t encouraged to gain these skills themselves. 

God’s vision for the community was much broader and richer than Yitro’s vision.  God wished for the entire Israelite nation to become “mamlechet kohanim v’goy kadosh” – “a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.” (Exodus 19:6)  As such, they would become God’s “…treasured possession among all peoples.” (Ex. 19:5)  Part of what it meant to become such a people was for individuals to take personal responsibility for decisionmaking. Then the people, sharing a special relationship with God, could hope to become a holy people. Decisions related to judicial matters or otherwise, could be undertaken by a “chosen one” or a “chosen few.”  But if the people (and individuals among them) were to reach their very special potential, they, too, would have to gain the tools and skills to deliberate and reach wise decisions.

It really isn’t my childrens’ ages that periodically lead them to still turn to me to make a hard decision for them. It is human nature that leads them to do so. From time to time, don’t we all desire a “Moses” or a group of wise elders to whom we can turn and say, “Please tell me what to do?”  Our parasha reminds us that despite an effective step undertaken by Moses to “unclog the bottleneck” of judicial rulings, “God’s way” is for all of us to develop the means (that we might call “God-given abilities”) to make important decisions for which we will take full responsibility. When we do so, we will move closer to realizing the vision that God expressed for us in this week’s Torah Portion.

Shabbat Shalom.